First Dating Rant of 2018

blog pix angry bird

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks calling out men who behave badly, rejecting men who are not for me, wondering whether I’m too picky or whether I’m not picky enough.  In other words, this has been a typical couple of weeks in the life of a sometimes-dating boomer. Then I read a survey that says women and men in their 60s are having the best sex of their lives. This is not uplifting when you don’t currently have a partner. To top it off, I keep getting Valentine’s Day ads and announcements.

Can you sense a rant coming on? Join me in a healthy five layer dip snack for the Super Bowl or any time while I detail examples of these annoyances.

#1 Men Behaving Badly

Remember Mr. Hot N’ Cold otherwise known as Mr. M? I cringe to admit he briefly resurfaced and I’m to blame for encouraging him albeit in a lukewarm way (love those temperature metaphors).

To bring you up to date, I discovered that the voicemails of people whose numbers you block live on in a blocked section of your voicemails. About a month ago, I listened to Mr. M’s last voicemail. It was nice and harmless enough and I decided that maybe he wasn’t a stalker just a poor texter. That doesn’t excuse other problems including his lack of follow through and long absences. I wasn’t about to reach out to Mr. M but filed away a less negative impression of him.

Then unexpectedly, Mr. M resurfaced on Zoosk, one of the sites we had communicated on. He “viewed” me, which is the real life equivalent of a flirting glance. I agonized about whether I should “view” him back but I was feeling a lack of male company and decided to cast my fate to the dating gods.

He responded by sending me a nice message through the site and asked if we could get together. I said I would think about it and let him know I was hesitant due to his previous communications and behavior. “I can understand that,” he wrote and asked if he could have a do-over. Later that day, I message him that we could have a drink sometime. This is when the leopard’s spots reappeared.

The evidence via messages:

January 4:

Nadia: Okay, we can meet for a drink some time.

January 6:

M: okay will look at my schedule to fit into  yours

Nadia: Okay (smiley face)

Friday, January 19:

Comment: Notice the time span. No response from Mr. M after 13 days. So I messaged him (I know what you’re thinking):

Nadia: Hi, Not sure if I misinterpreted your last message, but I thought you were going to suggest a day to meet. Anyway, thought I would check in to say that.

About 4:30 p.m. on January 19th:

M: I got back in town thursday. was overseas working. What are you doing this evening

January 19 (continued):

I didn’t see his message on the site and then he phoned me. I missed his call. He left a voicemail and I called him back 30 minutes later.

Again, note the timespan. I returned his call on Jan. 19. On Feb. 2, he sent me a message through Zoosk saying he’d been traveling for work, then had to attend an out of town funeral, and after that “things were on the move with work locally.”   “I will try and call you shortly,” he wrote.

“I don’t think that explains why you didn’t return my call of 2 weeks ago…you were in town then,” I replied. “It seems like you are playing a game, perhaps just being a breadcrumber – look up this dating term. It describes the way you have behaved with me.”

Epilogue: As expected, there was no response from Mr. M. This is finally the end of the Mr. Hot N’ Cold story unless it’s not.

#Rejecting Men who are Not for Me

Last month I went out with a very nice man, Mr. ZZ, despite the fact he had the same first and middle names as my ex. That was almost enough to put me off but I decided to go for it. Based on his photos, I was worried I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I thought, “Maybe I’m too picky” and agreed to meet for a happy hour.

We had a “pleasant” time, no conversation lapses but it started to feel a bit strained toward the end of the hour. There was not a whiff of chemistry on my part. He didn’t have the kind of male energy that I like.

I sensed Mr. ZZ liked me but I could tell he was shy and at the end of our date he shook my hand goodbye. He viewed me several times over the next few days but did not reach out for a second date. I think he was waiting for me to “view” him back but I didn’t want to encourage him. I vacillated a couple of times and thought maybe I should give it another go but ultimately let it fade away.

#Wondering whether I’m too Picky

See above encounter with Mr. ZZ.

#Wondering whether I’m not Picky Enough

I could cite any of a number of conversations with men whom I clearly have little in common with other than we are both breathing.

#People in their 60s are having the best sex

Send one of the men surveyed directly to me.

#Valentine’s Day Hype

I suggest an alternate “Galentines” Day for women to celebrate with friends.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

Anatomy of a Brief Encounter with Mr. Hot ‘n Cold

blox pix hot n cold october 8

Sometimes it’s tough to come up with a lesson  learned from a life experience. In a recent dating encounter, I thought I had a lesson in the “pros” of a woman being proactive, but alas there was no prize.

Join me in some Octoberish one pot creamy pumpkin penne while I present the facts. Perhaps some of the behaviors described will seem familiar to you online daters, whether you’re male or female. In a new feature of this blog, dating tips will be asterisked.

Last June, I matched with Mr. M on both Zoosk and Tinder. Mr. M wanted to chat with me on Zoosk so I sent him an opener. He responded and we volleyed briefly until he walked away from the game. My last message to him hung in the cloud and I wondered if my comment was lacking.

After a couple of days with no exchange, I unmatched Mr. M on Tinder and assumed our encounter was destined for the dating waste bin.

Then, unexpectedly in September, Mr. M “super liked” me on Tinder, signifying our third match.

Here’s what he wrote:

“Hi there! What a fantastic and charming smile. For a moment you look so familiar.”

Snide thought (in my head only): Of course I look familiar, this is the third time we have matched. I had documented our previous exchanges via screen shots* but I played it cool.

Hi, I wrote, I think we matched on another site.

“Well,” he responded, “we need to meet, have coffee or tea for a wonderful conversation soon.”

It’s always my goal to meet soon, I responded. Ignoring my archival screen shots, I asked him to refresh my memory and provide a brief profile. (Sometimes I ask guys with no profile for their elevator speech.*)

Two days later, I still had not gotten a response to my question. Feeling fed up with this guy’s behavior, I decided to give him a piece of my mind.

text to Mr M

Twenty minutes later, Mr. M wrote back to say that work had gotten in the way and asked if we could speak by phone.

I suggested he send me his number and said I would text him that evening to see if it was a good time to talk. This is my preferred method* of initiating a first phone call. My goal here is primarily to use a guy’s number to search for him online and to verify his identity. Searching a phone number* on Facebook or LinkedIn can often lead to a profile even if that number is not visible to the public.

Bingo. I found Mr. M on both social media outlets and his profile, resume, and photos were in sync with the earlier dating profiles he had created. He was an interesting man of many talents and interests and I felt he was worth pursuing despite our shaky communication start.

We had a good phone call and some follow-up texting using my *Google voice number. Two days later he invited me for a Friday night happy hour. He let me know the evening would be his treat. I appreciated that – no need to fumble over splitting/not splitting the cost.

Of course, Mr. M was late to our meeting/date but he both phoned and sent text updates from the stalled beltway. When he walked in, I was impressed with his height (6’3”) but since he was wearing a suit, I couldn’t assess whether his broad shouldered body type was fit, a factor that’s important to me.

We stayed at the bar for 3 hours, a long first date by most standards. Mr. M talked more than me (a general pattern with guys) but I liked that he showed his vulnerability and love of family. His body language (lots of arm touching and eye contact) conveyed that he was into me and I liked him too.

Although I was disappointed that the conversation was more about him, I anticipated a second date would show whether there could be a greater balance in our interaction. A second date would also help me decide about some potential red flags (a brief Vegas-stye second marriage that was annulled, some X-file type comments that intrigued me but had me wondering).

At one point, he asked if I was seeing someone. I said no and he said the same when I inquired about him. Later I wondered if I should have qualified that with “I’m in contact with several matches but not in an exclusive situation.”

Overall date score: B+. I felt chemistry and connection.

After Mr. M paid the bill, he said he didn’t want to leave and we ended up sitting for a bit by the jazz combo that was playing before he walked me to my car.

Surprisingly, he tried to shake my hand goodbye but I cut him off at the non-pass and went in for a kiss and hug. Quite nice. He walked away and came back for a repeat.

I had a short commute home but during that time Mr. M called me twice, which I took as a strong sign of his interest.

All good, right? I anticipated a second date with Mr. M so I was surprised when the next evening, he sent a text:

“Had a wonderful time last night am little afraid to start cause I don’t want to have another failed relationship…will call u later

Hope you are having a great day”

My first thought: WTF??? For the second time, I was compelled to give him a piece of my mind.

I focused on the fact that after one date, it was way too early to talk about a relationship or exclusivity, let alone the possibility of failure. I wrote him my heart is open to finding the right person despite the risks of it not working out. I ended the text by letting him know that I liked him.

A day later he responded with a typo-filled text. The gist was that he liked me but didn’t want to disappoint me and let me down if it didn’t work out.

I texted him that was still a lot to take in after one date and asked what he wanted to do. Later that night Mr. M wrote that he looked forward to seeing me again and “we will talk tomorrow.”

He phoned the next day. I asked him to explain his concerns. He said there were many issues –including not wanting to introduce someone to his daughters and then have it not work out. He wanted to know about getting together but I reminded him I had relatives in town. Then work interrupted him and we never finished the call.

He texted a couple of times after that but did not phone again. I was starting to mentally write him off but decided to do one last bold thing and invite him for a drink on Sunday afternoon. He said he had a work deadline for a project due the next day and suggested instead that we try for during the week.

I stayed cool and replied Okay, sounds good.

A week passed and no word. I decided he was a Mr. Hot ‘n Cold type, unmatched him on Tinder, and moved on mentally. Then 9 days after our last correspondence he sent a text (typos and missing words included):

blog screen shot M #2

This was disturbing. There was no explanation for the 9-day lapse. He wanted help with finding an apartment in MY TOWN. He mentioned hanging out FULL TIME. No, no, and no.

Remember, this is all after one date.

I didn’t know what Mr. M’s deal was but I wanted no part of it and blocked his number.

So did I learn the value of being bold and proactive? During my first exchange with Mr. M about his letting communication drop I worried that my behavior would backfire and turn him off. But it didn’t. He told me on our date that he liked my bold message. In a later communication, I didn’t care about being “too bold.” I was more interested in letting him know it was too early to talk about a relationship.

The whole bizarre encounter shows me (once again) of the crash and burn dating phenomenon: When guys are too gung ho in the very beginning, it’s often followed by a withdrawal. This burn part might play out for different reasons and for different lengths of time but the result is the same – an ending. Ladies, be wary* if a first date is “head over heels.” Watch for signs that he’s about to crash and burn.

Farewell Mr. M. Next!

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

How to Handle the Top 11 Dating Types

blog woman typing computer

Have your single friends ever sighed, downed that last sip of wine, and asked in frustration, “Where are all the God-Fearing men?” Unlikely? I can tell you these men are camped out by my dating profile, in line behind all the other distinctive online dating types. (Side note: I may be easing off the online dating life but I haven’t given this tactic up.)

It may be related to my current jaded perspective but within 5 seconds I can easily characterize a prospective love interest’s “type.” It’s not genomics science. Will you join me in some potato pizza with kale pesto while I share my guide to online dating types and suggested approaches for handling them? These men are scarily similar to real life dating types.

Mr. Hot ‘n Cold

Mr. Hot ‘n Cold can’t seem to decide whether he wants to date. One date never progresses to two. And yet, he keeps viewing you. Or Mr. HNC may have reached out to say he likes you but “you live too far away to date.” Despite this, he keeps looking at your profile. Approach: Ignore.

The Perfect Man

Ivy League Schools. World Traveler. Trophied athlete. Hobnobs with celebrities. Charity events. Grade A physique. Too perfect to be real. You guessed it. Scammer. Approach: If you have proof of scamming/catfishing – report and block.

Short Man in Vegas

These men are half or all the way across the country and do not match you on anything. They write a sweet note and comment appropriately on your profile but there’s no hope of a future here. Approach: Write a nice email saying thanks but no thanks.

OMG: The God-Fearing Man

Nothing in your profile screams religion is an overriding force in your life and yet you may attract men who call themselves God-Fearing, are searching for eternal love, and list the Bible first on a list of things they can’t do without. Perhaps you are just “blessed” with a devout smile. Approach: Ignore.

The Eliterit Eeleterate Illiterate Man

He means well but if your inner editor surfaces every time he writes or says something, this is not the guy for you. Approach: Ignore. 

The Hot Rodding Fisherman

Ten photos, 5 of his 1968 Plymouth Road Runner with 426 Street hemi, 5 of him holding a prize Marlin, and one blurry main photo of 6 guys. Approach: Respond if you like cars and fish; ask for another picture.

Baby Bear

He’s two scores younger, confident, and hunky. His philosophy: age is not a barrier. Approach: with caution; consider his older brother.

The Depressed Loner

His screen name is Lonelyboy911, he’s shy, and he hasn’t dated in 10 years. Home is a small rural town. Approach: Be kind and thank him for his note but move on.

The Player

He’s always online, lets you know right away that sex is very important to him, and even specifies his fetishes. Approach: Avoid, avoid, avoid.

The Picky Man

His profile is 90% about his bad dating experiences, what he doesn’t want, and a list of attributes/interests that are essential to him. Approach: Delete and block.

The Questioner

This one can’t wait to ask how long you have been on a particular dating site. It’s often his first or second question, which is followed by, what has been your experience with dating online, and are you having any luck? Is he worried you are past your shelf life? Or is he suffering from a lack of imagination and these are the only questions he can come up with? Approach: Call him on it. Ask why he is interested in your dating memberships and point out that the important point is that you are online now.

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Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia