He’s Just Not That Into You

Vetting and Evaluating an Online Match before and after you Meet

~ Nadia Alegria Amore ~ Leave a comment

blox pix nov 12 2017

The next time you’re shopping in the online man store and maybe trying one on for size, you may have questions beyond whether the guy’s a good fit. Is he who he says he is? Is he a player? Is he losing interest or just not that into you? Is he a keeper? There are things you can do and signs to watch for to help you navigate the dating journey.

Help yourself to some pasta with olive oil, garlic, and parsley while I share my top 10 tips to vet or evaluate a man:

*Do a basic photo check. On a PC or laptop: save the guy’s profile photos and then do a Google image or Tineye search. On a phone: screen shot the photos (as many as possible) and then use an image search app such as Veracity or do a Google image search similar to the way you would do it on a computer. For detailed instructions, see: how to perform a reverse image search.

If the guy doesn’t have a photo, move on. There’s a reason he doesn’t have one.

*Be wary of perfect photos. If the photos remind you of a cover model on GQ, don’t even waste your time searching. These pix are likely “borrowed” from a website or Facebook profile.

*Search the guy’s phone number. Do a Google search or type the number into the search box on Facebook and LinkedIn. I’ve had great success with the Facebook/LinkedIn number search – even if the guy’s number is “hidden.”

An important aside: You should only give a guy your real cell number, if you’re convinced he’s legit and not a risk. Otherwise, get a Google voice number (free as opposed to a burner number). I usually wait to meet someone before sharing my primary cell number.

*Search the guy’s email address. Try the same search tactics recommended for phone numbers. All sorts of things will turn up. I’ve pulled up a guy’s TripAdvisor reviews, Amazon reviews, listing in a society membership directory, and his profile on a sex site.

*Know the signs of a catfisher. He is often widowed* (e.g., a tragic car accident killed his wife and child), an engineer in the oil or energy industry, works for the UN in some capacity, indicates English is his second language so as not to throw you off should you actually talk on the phone.

*Of course not all widows are catfishers but it appears to be the marital status of choice for those fabricating a profile.

If the guy doesn’t have a profile, move on. There’s a reason he doesn’t have a profile.

*Know the behavior red flags. His dating site messages or texts are sporadic; he answers questions you ask but doesn’t ask anything – or very little – about you; he views you frequently or favorites you but doesn’t communicate; he’s always – and I mean always – online; he doesn’t advance the e-mail conversation and doesn’t suggest talking on the phone or meeting.

*Be aware of a sudden shift in communication patterns. If you have been on a date or two or three and suddenly his good morning texts have stopped, it may not be long before he ghosts you or tells/texts you that it’s just not working out. One guy suddenly stopped his daily texting and then called to tell me that I wasn’t a good match because I lived so far away that he had to use a “pricey” EasyPass. Insert laugh/cry emoji.

*Observe negative behaviors on a date. He monopolizes the conversation, looks at every woman who walks into the bar/café/coffee shop, glances at his phone constantly, all of the above.

*Observe and enjoy positive behaviors on a date. He seems genuinely interested in you, listens to what you say and responds, maintains good eye contact, his body language says he likes you (hand or arm touching, feet pointed toward you), notes that he doesn’t want the date to end/mentions seeing you again.

*Observe and enjoy positive signs that the relationship is advancing. He frequently calls/texts you just to check in or to plan your next get together, he shares more about himself, he mentions doing things in the future, you inevitably spend weekends together, you start to meet each other’s friends.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

Dating Attention Deficit Syndrome: A New Epidemic?

~ Nadia Alegria Amore ~ Leave a comment

blog-pix-dating-attention-deficit-syndrome

I am convinced that a significant number of men on online dating sites are suffering from a severe case of DADD — Dating Attention Deficit Syndrome. Women share this affliction but I suspect there are fewer of them and that they have a milder version of DADD.

Let’s discuss over Anthony Bourdain’s omelet with salmon and chives.

You have heard me rant before about the window-shopping or candy store experience of online dating. A recent virtual encounter on Zoosk triggered the naming of a real affliction I call DADD. (Apologies to all the fathers.)

DADD is backed up by research. A 2015 Pew Research study found that one-third of people who used online dating have never actually gone on a date with someone they met on these sites. I imagine these people emailing and texting ad nauseam until the end of time.

Case in point: A recent 10-day text exchange I had with Mr. F from Zoosk. I kept encouraging an in-person meeting but Mr. F was equally adept at promising and delaying.

For example, in a discussion of food and cooking, I suggested we get a drink to plan a salmon throwdown. Mr. F liked the idea and we continued to volley about this and other topcs — on the site and then offline (using my Google voice number).

Mr. F began sending me a daily 5 p.m. text asking how my day was. Sadly, he failed to advance the discussion significantly so that we could learn something substantive about each other. I continued to pursue an in-person meeting. And the kicker? He was constantly online. Every time I went on Zoosk to check messages, I got a notification that my connection, Mr. F, was on the site.

Finally, I’d had enough. At this point, the flirting by text lost its appeal. After a weekend of no contact (although Mr. F was certainly online), I was convinced he was either playing at dating and never intended to meet or he had lined up dates with so many other women that I wasn’t a priority. When he sent his usual 5 p.m. text on the Monday after the no-contact weekend, I decided to rebuff him in a snarky way.   See below for the end of our “relationship.”

text-with-frank-for-blog

My last “Ciao” was cut off in the screen shot.

As I suspected (and hoped), my response ended this merry go round. When you’re pissed off, having the last word is deeply satisfying!

Mr. F wasn’t the first man with DADD I have encountered. Some have admitted to me they know they are online too much. Even if they meet some of the women they encounter, they can’t seem to stop looking for the next best Ms. Right.

Hope we all find someone who has kicked DADD – or never had it.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

 

Tinder in España

~ Nadia Alegria Amore ~ 4 Comments

blog-post-barcelona-pix

My Tinder app exploded in Spain.

Despite a half-hearted promise to myself to take a break from online dating while on vacation in Spain and Ireland. I was curious about my “match-ability” in another country. So I spent some time swiping while waiting in museum lines and hanging out in tapas restaurants and pubs.

I almost laughed when just about everyone I swiped right on in Barcelona and Madrid was a match…and many of them were a decade or more younger than me. This was a great ego boost for a woman celebrating a “ semi-big” birthday. Have a slice of birthday cake with me.

Unfortunately, hablo un poco de Español, so my travelling partner daughter and volunteer wing woman agreed with me that I shouldn’t meet anyone who didn’t speak English.

Thanks to my Google translate app, I was able to communicate to a certain extent with all of my matches, including one seeking a late-night hook-up and the guy who wanted to know where I was at that exact moment. No, gracias.

As bad luck would have it, my two most promising English-speaking prospects matched with me just as I was about to leave Barcelona. After a couple of texts, one offered to drive me to the airport. No, gracias. Still, I exchanged email addresses with both of them. Mr. J plans to travel to the US later this year and like me, Mr. F believes in serendipity. Anything can happen.

Spain: 2; Ireland: 0. For various reasons, I didn’t want to correspond with any of my Irish matches.

In the meantime, I’m back on U.S. soil, suffering from jet lag and reconnecting with my pre-trip matches.

One guy – #2 from my rule of three post, revisited his earlier “he’s just not that into you” behavior. First, Mr. B missed an opportunity to send me a happy birthday text while I was away (no excuses since we share the same birthday).

Second, before I left for Europe, he asked me to let him know when I was back in the states. Since I had given him my return date, I was on the fence about proactively sending a text to say, “I’m back.” However, I had a planned date with someone and wanted to try my best to follow the rule of dating three. So I sent a short “back in the U.S.” text on Friday afternoon. Mr. B asked about my trip but didn’t reply to the short summary I sent him: lots of walking, eating, art, and architecture.

Then, at 9:29 p.m., 5 hours after I offered my 140-character trip summary, he sent a text. He acknowledged the short notice and asked if I’d like to get together the next day.

My immediate take on his “late” request: he invited me out after returning from a bad Friday night first date. Plus he failed to comment on my beautifully crafted 140-word trip summary. So, yes, “he’s just not that into me” and “No, gracias” to the invite.

How does someone show he is “into you?” Case in point: Mr. K. We matched before my trip. I texted him to say I was headed out of the country. He said he’d wait for me. He texted me the day I returned. We texted, talked by phone, and had lunch yesterday. After our date, he texted me and I see that he has texted me good morning.

Now, men, that’s how you do it. The object of your affection should feel like she is on your mind just before you go to sleep and as soon as you wake up.

It’s a simple implementation of the psychology of love and dating. Whether you are stateside or in Europe.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

The Slow Dawning of the Realization that He’s Just Not That Into You

~ Nadia Alegria Amore ~ 3 Comments

He's just not that into you better image

I came rather late to reading the 2009 book He’s Just Not That Into You but then I came rather late to the dating life.

For the last month, I have been on a relationship advice book kick that began with Power Texting Men: The Best Texting Attraction Book to Get the Guy and Love is in the Mouse: Online Dating for Women: Crush your Rivals and Start Dating Extraordinary Men. I’ll offer my take on these resources another time.

About the same time my book kick began, I started going out with someone who would prove to be a conundrum. Mr. B’s behavior became particularly puzzling a couple of weeks ago. When I described the situation to a friend, she said, “Perhaps it’s a case of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.’”

This was food for thought. Speaking of which, let’s focus on fall food: wild rice crusted halibut.

I saw the movie version of He’s Just Not That Into You awhile ago and though I can’t remember the details, I remember the premise – men treating women badly. I had never read the book, which was written by two Sex and the City writers. Since it was time to select another advice tome, I downloaded the kindle edition of He’s Just Not That Into You and started reading.

For the Cliff Notes version of the book, just read the table of contents. For example:

  • He’s Just Not That Into if He’s Not Asking You Out
  • He’s Just Not That Into if He’s Not Calling You
  • He’s Just Not That Into if He’s Disappeared on You

You get the idea. Author Greg Behrendt has a no-nonsense approach that advises women to immediately dump anyone who shows any of the “He’s Just Not That Into You” signs. His co-author Liz Tuccilo sometimes tempers or softens Greg’s hardline approach with the reality of a woman’s experience.

Women are often willing to put up with less than perfect in order to have some kind of…read “any” relationship in this world of more women than men. But more often than not, Liz agrees with Greg that it’s better to be alone than with someone who treats you poorly.

The book is really about self worth, empowerment, and getting what you as a totally awesome woman deserve.

So let’s go back to my conundrum. Here are the signs from Mr. B that gave me pause:

  • After initial frequent contact (mostly texting), there are now longer gaps in communication
  • Most common mode of communication: texting about inane daily activities or “his stress” from work etc.
  • Only a few phone calls
  • After 2nd date two weeks ago, still no plans for a 3rd date
  • Out of town every other weekend to care for elderly mother but no effort to see me during the week

The reason it was a conundrum and not a clear-cut get out of it ASAP situation:

  • We had two good dates and discovered some common interests
  • He is staying in touch however irregularly and always asks how I am
  • He listens
  • Obvious chemistry and attraction between the two of us
  • I wanted to see him again; there seemed to be potential worth exploring

There are other factors but I’m approaching this issue from a strictly behavioral analysis.

The more I read the book, the more I recognized Mr. B’s actions in the behaving badly category. And like many of the examples in the book, just when I thought he was really demonstrating non-interest, he would phone me. I started to think he was treating me like a yo yo – letting the line out and staying out of touch. Then, right before it hit the ground, he’d jerk (me) back with a phone call.

After pondering all of the examples of badly behaving men in the book and rolling my eyes at the women who kept trying to forgive their guys, I concluded that I was, in fact, in denial and living a case of He’s Just Not That Into You. I also concluded that women outnumber men in the decent and nice category.

What was the last straw with Mr. B? After not hearing from him all week, he phoned me Thursday evening. I was annoyed and didn’t answer. Later that night I sent him a text saying I’d be available Friday.

On Friday, he sent an afternoon text detailing his stressful week as an excuse for not being in touch. He ended the text by saying he plans to drive a friend to the airport in NY and will then spend the weekend in the city. There was no mention of getting together again — only that he’d be back Sunday.

I don’t know if his friend (man or woman) lives in NYC or in the DC area…but regardless, does this make any sense at all? Top that off with a lot of mundane detail. What I wanted him to write was “Really miss you and want to see you as soon as possible.”

I haven’t responded. I wrote a sayonara “breaking up” with you text but I may not send it. Sometimes ghosting seems like the right response.

To any reader who is in a murky mixed-message dating situation, read or re-read He’s Just Not That Into You. It will be a splash of cold water on your hot little love-starved head…. and sometimes you need that.

I don’t know about you but I feel so much better getting this off of my chest.

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Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia