What Happens at the Monthly Meeting of the Dating Bots?



“Good morning fellow dating bots. TGIF. I’ve got a busy day at OurTime so I’m going to quickly move to roll call for our monthly meeting.








“Hi OurTime. #You’re cute.”


“Yo OT.”


“Gut margn!”


“Greetings – I brought you a cappuccino.”

“Thanks CMB. Hingebot?”

“How’s it going?”

“Thanks all. I’ll make sure everyone’s recorded in the minutes. Today’s first item of business is Nadia Alegria Amore.

“She’s been on one or all of our sites for several years now and despite four 90-day relationships, she hasn’t had much luck. She’s picky but then I can’t fault her for rejecting weirdos, losers, and creeps. The good ones she likes can’t seem to stop window-shopping or they’re after a younger woman.

“I know her membership fees are paying for our baby bots’ future college education, but I think we should help her out and send her the one.

“You know, it’s in our power to override the algorithm and play old fashioned matchmaker.”

“Is she really trying that hard?” asked OkCupidbot.

“You’re biased,” said POFbot, “you know she just dropped the OKC site because of scammer overload. Cut her some slack.”

“Speaking of scammers. I’d like to hold off on sending her the one until she’s evaluated one of our questionable clients,” said Tinderbot. “She’s one of the best at outing scammers and there’s someone I’d like her to investigate.”

“I don’t think that’s fair. She has to be getting discouraged. We’ve sent her the ‘we cannot find users near you’ message 100 times,” said Hingebot, “but she is older than most of our users.”

“Good point. She’s one of the best at avoiding burnout but she was near tears last night when one of our OurTime clients asked about her weekend plans but then didn’t respond to her answer. She questioned what she wrote him but I think her response was fine. She said she had some weekend plans but could make time to meet him — and she said it in a flirty way.”

“ I agree with you, OurTimebot. I think we should send her the one. I have a strong contender,” said POFbot.

“Great. Who do you have?”

“It someone she’s been communicating with on and off for a couple of months. The “block” as he says is that they live 400 miles apart…but definitely within an easily arranged train ride. They’re attracted to each other – as much as you can be from a picture – and he just asked for her phone number. At that point, she ran his photos through Google image search and everything seemed kosher.”

“Let’s do it,” said Bumblebot. “You know, I’m a romantic.”

“I’m undecided,” said Matchbot. “She just paid to attend a dating webinar and I want to see if it helps her game.”

“I’m for giving her the one. He’s Jewish and likes that she’s Jewish. It might encourage her to be slightly observant,” said JSwipebot.

“Okay everyone. Let’s bring this to a formal vote. All those in favor of giving Nadia the one, in this case, one from POF, raise your hand.

“Looks like it’s almost unani….wait Matchbot is bowing to the pressure. It’s unanimous. Nadia gets the one.

“POFbot, since you have the only contender, work your magic. We’re going to take a break in January, so report back at our Valentine’s Day meeting.

“Have a good weekend everyone.”

Until next week, happy dating or not dating and happy cooking this recipe for seared tofu with miso sauce.




My Bizarre Fantasy

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Nadia walks into a bar at dusk. It’s summertime and the living is easy. Margaritas are flowing…. happy hour time.

As she glances at the bar, Nadia notices that all but one seat in the middle section is filled. Men occupy the rest of the 15 stools. Not a single woman sits at the bar, though there are women and couples having dinner in the adjoining restaurant.

Nadia approaches the bar and asks the men sitting next to the empty seat if it’s taken. “No, please take a seat,” says one of them, a tall, dark haired man with striking blue eyes. His pale lemon yellow button-down shirt is open at the collar, sleeves pushed up to show his tanned and muscled forearm; his suit jacket is draped over the briefcase tucked next to his stool.

As she eases onto the stool, carefully crossing her high-heeled legs, Nadia copies the neighbor’s clothing storage solution and drapes her short-skirted scarlet red suit jacket over her briefcase. Her piggy pink V-neck blouse hints at her cleavage.

The bartender approaches Nadia. “We have a calamari special today,” he says giving her a friendly and approving smile. “Sounds great – and I’ll have a margarita on the rocks, no salt,” she says.

“Not a margarita purist?” asks her yellow-shirted neighbor. “No, I like it better without the salt,” she said giving him a big smile.

Then, she reaches down into her sepia briefcase and brings out a small, flat antique brass case, setting it down on her right side.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to take out a slim cigar from that case and smoke it in violation of the no-smoking rule,” says Mr. Yellow Shirt.

“This case doesn’t hold cigars,” Nadia says, smiling mysteriously.

Then she reaches once again into her briefcase and pulls out a large paperback book the size of a coloring book.


In fact, it is a coloring book.

Nadia sips on her margarita and opens the brass case. Inside, 24 fresh, beautiful, unused colored pencils, smile enticingly at her.

She slowly strokes the cover of One Year Wiser: The Coloring Book: Unwind with Weekly Illustrated Meditations and opens it with her carefully manicured nails. Each nail is a different Crayola color.

As Nadia starts to color the Peace is Always Beautiful (Walt Whitman) illustration, Mr. Yellow Shirt breaks out into a wild laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone color at a bar before,” he says. “I’m Ben by the way. As an architect, I have to tell you I’m loving what you’re doing.”

Nadia smiles. “Would you like to color?” Ben finishes his sip of gin and tonic and says, “I’d love to.”

Nadia carefully tears out one of the illustrations and gives it to Ben and places the pencils between them. Her other neighbor, who has been watching the proceedings, asks if he can join the party.

In 20 minutes time, all of the men are coloring. No one is watching the baseball game on the muted television above the bar. No one is swiping on his phone. Every few minutes, one of the men shows Nadia his progress or asks about a color choice.

Nadia leans back, sips on her margarita, smiles and thinks to herself, “Now this is a good time. My very own almost 50 shades of grey, pink, blue,green….”

What’s your bizarre fantasy? Keep it only slightly naughty and send it to me.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating…and keep on coloring.

I was so excited I almost forgot our lunch!  In honor of Julia Child’s birthday today, while you’re thinking of your own fantasy, have some of Julia’s Bouillabaisse a la Marseillaise.