Online Dating: Epic Fails, Firsts, and Freaks

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Despite the recent wet and snowy weather, I’m in another dating dry spell. Oh, yes, there was my date in late January with the younger man who kissed like a steamroller (and that’s putting it nicely). Since that epic fail, my dating life has consisted of:

*Endless and slow-paced Tinder messaging (Hi, Hi, How are you? Good, How are you? I’m good, what are you doing? ad nauseum) that doesn’t result in an actual meeting

*Deleting emails from strange guys, and

*Falling on the floor in uncontrollable laughter at some of the profiles in my match list.

So, join me in a super sweet potato chickpea Buddha bowl while I share some of the epic fails, firsts, and freaks from my dating files.

Profile of a man who believes that size does not affect spirituality:

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Profile of a man on Tinder who believes a curriculum vitae is better than any pick-up line. Certainly a man who has strategic planning ability is a major turn-on for me.  

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Profile of a man who is unsure of his availability…perhaps…maybe:

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Profile of a man who knows just what to write to appeal to a woman:

I am separated and live alone with my cat.

Profile of a man who is so popular that he has to weed out some of his thousands of prospects:

I apologize but: Due to the volume of messages. If you are bigger than a size 18, not only will I not read your messages but I will delete them and block you as soon as possible.

Message from a man who apparently wrote to me and I failed to respond (perhaps due to his extreme geographic incompatibility):

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Profile of a man of uncommon height:

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Message from a meteorologically sensitive guy:

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No comment:

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Profile of a man seeking his clone:

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Message from a confused, scary man who thinks my name is Phoebe and who is likely as nutty as the weirdos he disparages:

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Profile of a man who travels almost 2/3 of the year…but hey, when you see him, you see ALL of him…

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Profile of a “man” who stole a woman’s profile (read to the end)…and not a great profile:

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Message from a man who can discern texture through photography:

soft feet

Message from a 20-year-old who might be 40+ years too young:

better pix from 20 year old

Send me your dating fails! And don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

Dating Life Snow Daze

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Baby, it’s cold outside, #Snowzilla/Jonas has begun, and you’re stocked up on food, toilet paper, and wine, beer, or spirits. In between binge watching your shows and tweeting about the accumulation, take advantage of a mostly captive online dating audience.

Not only do you have a chance to interact with all the new “recruits” who signed up in early January but also more people will be housebound and surfing the dating sites this weekend. So go forth my daters and hang out online.

For once, meeting in the wild (unless you’re shoveling next to a cute neighbor), is not even on the table. Speaking of “the table,” put this yummy roasted vegetable lasagna on yours – unless you have no power, in which case, enjoy your peanut butter sandwich.

Snow bunnies, here are my dating life suggestions for this weekend:

  • Be current. Refresh your dating profile headline with a weather-related invitation or challenge. I changed the headline on all of my dating profiles to “Snowball fight in DC this weekend?”  This question is a great opener for a guy who has run out of good introductory messages. See my previous post for some pitiful examples of hello e-mails. Since I posted my snow headline two days ago, my online traffic has risen. No winners yet but the weekend isn’t over.
  • If you haven’t updated or refreshed your profile(s) recently, take a few minutes to revise. Try to be creative – think of a guy’s profile that made you laugh or impressed you. Can you use it as inspiration and modify yours?
  • Remember that guys are visual creatures. Do you have any recent photos you can upload to your profiles? Or, perhaps you can take a cute selfie of you playing in the snow – or falling on your butt.
  • Sign up for a new app, or a general or niche-dating site you haven’t tried before. Here are my reviews and ratings of three sites/apps I recently signed up for:

*Star Trek Dating I love Star Trek and science fiction so I figured this would be a great site for me. I made a Star Trek specific profile, adding in fun stuff about replicators, Klingons, and the Borg. Unfortunately, no one else on this site seems to have any interest in Star Trek or science fiction. And no one has any fun with the concept. Few men are in my geographic area and the ones who reach out are more alien than human.

Now that my free trial is over, I can’t see the photos of those who view me. I can send a free message but can’t read messages unless I pay. Since I haven’t gotten any exciting prospects, I don’t feel like getting out my credit card. Grade: C

*Stitch Despite the name, this is not a site for sewing fiends. This site/ app is an online “community” established to help mature people age 50+ find companionship, whether it’s a new friend, a romantic interest, or an event buddy who could accompany a member to a movie.

You can join Stitch for free which allows you to browse 3 profiles a day and chat with members. A full membership costs $80 a year and allows for direct messaging, identity verification, greater control over search distance, and other features.

I have been diligently reviewing my daily free profiles and “stitched” or mutually matched with one man who lives in NYC. If two people want to connect with each other, they are “stitched” and notified of the mutual interest. I wrote to my stitch; he wrote back and said he might visit DC in the future and perhaps we could meet.

Aside from Mr. NYC, I have not been interested in any of the men whose profiles I have reviewed and most of them live far away. Grade: C+

*Tastebuds Who wouldn’t love a music-oriented dating service? I thought this was a great idea. This free dating site and app allows you to create a profile based on your favorite music artists and songs.

In the future, the founders say they will help members connect through festivals, gigs, and music meet-ups. I can’t wait.

My biggest problem with Tastebuds – like so many of the apps – is that there are not enough members in my area. It is interesting to scroll through the members from all over the world, and I might try to connect with some of them on my next European adventure. Unfortunately, for everyday dating, the pickings are slim. Grade: B for concept.

  • Take a good look at your wardrobe and pre-select some good first date outfits. Group them together in the closet so if you get an impromptu invitation, you won’t have to agonize about what to wear.
  • For future reference, make a list of all the good places to meet for a first or second date – whether it’s restaurants with good happy hours, wine bars, places that have late night happy hours, coffee shops with a good vibe, and anything different like an ice-skating rink or a new exhibit at a local museum.

Stay warm and safe!  Until next week, happy dating or not dating!

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

You Had Me at Hello…or Not

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In the real world, a man’s “pick up line” is often a finely honed work of art. It’s tougher to achieve communication excellence in the online world. There are no virtual pheromones, no scent of cologne or twinkling eyes to help a guy overcome a mediocre pick up line and connect with a woman.

Without the visual, sensual, and physical benefits of an in person encounter, that first introductory email or message takes on extra importance. Dating coaches advise men — and women — to ask about or comment on something in a match’s profile. Instead, I often see clueless men stumbling around when it comes to establishing an online or mobile-based dialogue. Then there are the swoon-worthy guys who can translate their “in the wild” skills to the electronic world.

Let’s have an early Thanksgiving vegetarian lunch of Yotam Ottolenghi’s cauliflower cake while we examine the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly. Note: these are real life introductions from my dating files. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect both the masters and the disasters.

The GOOD:

From a romantic:

You have not filled in your profile, maybe I can help: beautiful cosmopolitan lady seeks dashing handsome and witty man for a life of adventure and joy.

From a charming man who is as tall as me:

You know, if it weren’t that we’d be i 2 i instead of your having to look up a couple of inches (sorry my cowboy heels are still in Montana), I think I’d actually meet many of your criteria!

If you like to wear heels, I don’t really mind looking up at an impressive woman 🙂

From a man with a lot of letters after his name:

You are educated. My sense is that you have substance — rare here!

From a helpful guy:

It appears you love to travel. Need someone to carry your bags? I am fun, smart, driven and people oriented. Smiles.

From a fast mover (this one made me laugh):

Let’s elope

The BAD and/or UGLY:

From a man who struggles with the English language:

I’m just here trying to figure out my other half body to enjoy the rest of my time in life with… i think i like what i read in your profile, most especially your beautiful smile, i’m willing to give it a chance if you give it a go.

From a man who loves to shop:

Hi joe here are you a retail sales person?

From a scary man:

Hi, have you ever had an interest in hypnosis?

From a man who’s up front about what he’s looking for:

Hi there I’m Sam I’m 61 young and am interested in a friend with benefits, l enjoy some your your before mentioned activities. If interested wink me back !

From a man with zero photos posted:

Hi

Your profile looks great but I’d like to see more photos before we start chatting.

Kind Regards,

Will

From a man who believes you can never stop growing:

You look like a brite and eclectic individual. I was wanting to
know, how tall were you before you decided to move to the city?

From a very, very, very shy man:

Would saying hello be ok.

From a man a decade younger than my son:

Heyyy

From a dirty, middle-aged man:

Into mild kink?

From a desperate bad boy:

hey dear I like sexy tall red heads are u up for fun games if your for real I want to meet you soon to get the ball moving

From a man who doesn’t read profiles:

hi, How are you doing,… Please tell me about yourself

I hope these gave you a chuckle. We need all the humor we can find in this crazy dating world.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating and Happy Thanksgiving!

If you have a case of Thanksgiving blahs, see this recent post on the holiday blues. And don’t forget to click the subscribe button to get regular email delivery of Dating, Sex, and Life in your 60s.

XXXOOO

Nadia