If Famous People Past and Present had Dating Profiles

I’m getting tired of working on my dating profile. It’s much more fun to write imaginary profiles for the famous and the infamous. Enjoy the fantasy. It’s only appropriate that we have some mock cauliflower “bread” sticks

George Washington:

Headline: Honest take-charge guy seeks first lady

All About Me:

I can’t tell a lie. My teeth are false and the fit is not great so I might accidentally bite your lip off when kissing you. I like to talk politics. Fave food is cherry pie. Lifelong military and Federal career. Seeking a partner who can dance the minuet with me.

Do you smoke?: Yes (family owns a plantation – not much choice)

The six things I could never do without: freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom, and freedom

Do you drink?

Only my homemade whiskey- neat

How ambitious are you? Extremely ambitious

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: I surrendered in battle once

Extra Questions:

Q: Would you enjoy a night in playing video games?

A: ?

Q: Are you totally anti-war?


You should message me if: You live within a 2-day carriage ride of Mt. Vernon

Hilary Clinton

Headline: World traveler seeks faithful one-man woman

All About Me:

I’m a lawyer, government employee and expert in international relations currently pursuing a second career based in the DC area. I may be a 67-year-old grandma but I know how to boogie and like to keep abreast of current events. As a one-man woman, I’m seeking a one-woman man who can match me in ambition, intelligence, and class.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: I once chaired a chapter of the Young Republicans

Do you drink?: I enjoy a cold beer now and then

On Friday and Saturday nights I typically:

Go on road trips and give speeches

The coolest places I’ve visited:

I’ve been all over the world but my favorite place is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., DC

On our First Date remind me to tell you the story about:

The time I left my only cell phone in the ladies room of The Palm before an important briefing in the Harry S. Truman building

Miley Cyrus 

Headline: Come Twerk with Me

All About Me:

I’m an actress and singer who dances to the beat of her own drum and I definitely have a thing for crane operators. I like to explore and experiment. No vanilla for me. I’m looking for anyone – and I do mean anyone – who’s into experimentation and PDS (public displays of sex).

The first things people usually notice about me:

My sexy body and haircut

On a typical Friday night I am:

Riding my favorite wrecking ball to heaven

Do you drink?: G-d yes

Do you do drugs?:

I just love getting stoned

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

I don’t keep anything private. Ask me anything you don’t already know

On our first date, remind me to tell you the story about….

Me and Joan Jett in the ladies room


Hopeless exhibitionist

How ambitious are you?:

Very. I know how to play the game and I play it well.

Justin Bieber

Headline: Bad good boy looking for a good bad girl

All About me:

Not sure how I came up with that headline or what it means but it sounds cool. I like to party and I’m looking for a sweet party girl (preferably Latina) with as many tatts as me. If you’re into egging houses, we’ll have a blast.

On a typical Friday night I am:

At a strip club with my dad, getting a lap dance, working out on my perfect body or getting a new tatt

Any Pets:

Pet monkey but lost him at the airport

Do you drink?

Is the sky blue?

Do you do drugs?

See sky question


Spoiled celebrity

Do you have a car?

A car?

For fun I like to:

Wear a gas mask in public

Favorite music:

My own. Listen to rap and church music since my faith is very important to me

How ambitious are you?

Mildly. I’d like to win a Grammy.

Happy dating!