The Olympics of Dating: A Fantasy

Olympics 1 for blog

Are you “Olympic ed” out? The number one Google search question about Rio last Wednesday was “When do the Olympics end?” Move over XXXI – we need a new Olympics of Dating. It’s time for another Nadia fantasy.

Join me in some crostini with tuna tapenade while I share my mildly naughty thoughts with you…and have a glass of champagne to celebrate tonight’s end of that other Olympics.

Qualifying Sports in the Olympics of Love

Meeting Freestyle

The sport of meeting the opposite sex is the basis for all the other games. First, find a partner!

Action, Rules, and Scoring: In this Dating Olympics event, men or women score based on the quantity of phone numbers acquired during a 24-hour interval. Each sportsman/woman is paired with a spotter/bodyguard who records the player’s success and makes sure there is no hanky panky (of the number fudging type).

Competitors are allowed to acquire phone numbers from matches on dating sites and apps and from people they meet in person. Extra points are given for verified meet-cutes.

Extreme Speed Dating  

Action, Rules, and Scoring: This sport, a takeoff of traditional speed dating, is measured in seconds rather than minutes. Competitors rotate “conversational” partners after 15 seconds. Given the limited timeframe allowed to get to know someone, intuition becomes more important than actual rapport. Appearance is everything because there is nothing else. High scorers (in both the men’s and women’s divisions) are those who proactively ask the most people out on a date that is accepted.

Synchronized Texting 

Action, Rules, and Scoring: In this favorite of Millennials, the player’s task is to match the exact word count and response time (down to the second) of texts received from a competitor on the opposing team. Extra points are awarded for creativity and engagement. Fouls are called for use of the salutations “heyyyyy” and “hi gorgeous/handsome, wanna see me naked?”

Synchronized Sexting

Action, Rules, and Scoring: The action and rules are similar to Synchronized Texting but there are no fouls for naked picture offers (as long as there is no coercion). Scoring is, well, you know.

Fence Mending

Action, Rules, and Scoring: Unlike fencing, the goal of Fence Mending is to “unstab” your competitor in a planned verbal battle. Competitors are judged for their sincerity in acknowledging bullheadedness, insensitivity, and stupidity.

Flirting

Action, Rules, and Scoring: Competitors use body and verbal language to charm their partner. Judges evaluate the degree of eye contact, smiling, light arm touching, and open body language. Winners progress to the next level, whatever that might be.

Canoedling 

Action, Rules, and Scoring: In this relatively new Olympic dating sport, competitors are judged on their ability to canoodle while maneuvering a canoe through a difficult obstacle course in shark-infested waters. Points are given for maintaining continuous physical contact with the designated teammate while fighting off a shark with the paddle.

Volley Talk

Action, Rules, and Scoring: Volley Talk, in which competitors are judged on their conversational equipoise, is one of the more popular Olympic Dating games. Extra points are given for intense listening, appropriate questioning, and eye contact. Penalties are given for monologuing, curbed enthusiasm, and cell phone action while one’s partner is talking.

Sex Gymnastics

Action, Rules, and Scoring: This is a Millennial dominated sport although a few valiant Gen Xers and Baby Boomers continue to compete. Competitors are judged on extreme flexibility, inversion, and orthopedic improbability. Fouls are not given for environmental wreckage, ripped clothing, exhibitionism, or adult beverage spilling. In fact, these occurrences incur extra points.

Have I left out any games? Let me know.

Until next week, happy competing — er dating — or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Bizarre Fantasy

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Nadia walks into a bar at dusk. It’s summertime and the living is easy. Margaritas are flowing…. happy hour time.

As she glances at the bar, Nadia notices that all but one seat in the middle section is filled. Men occupy the rest of the 15 stools. Not a single woman sits at the bar, though there are women and couples having dinner in the adjoining restaurant.

Nadia approaches the bar and asks the men sitting next to the empty seat if it’s taken. “No, please take a seat,” says one of them, a tall, dark haired man with striking blue eyes. His pale lemon yellow button-down shirt is open at the collar, sleeves pushed up to show his tanned and muscled forearm; his suit jacket is draped over the briefcase tucked next to his stool.

As she eases onto the stool, carefully crossing her high-heeled legs, Nadia copies the neighbor’s clothing storage solution and drapes her short-skirted scarlet red suit jacket over her briefcase. Her piggy pink V-neck blouse hints at her cleavage.

The bartender approaches Nadia. “We have a calamari special today,” he says giving her a friendly and approving smile. “Sounds great – and I’ll have a margarita on the rocks, no salt,” she says.

“Not a margarita purist?” asks her yellow-shirted neighbor. “No, I like it better without the salt,” she said giving him a big smile.

Then, she reaches down into her sepia briefcase and brings out a small, flat antique brass case, setting it down on her right side.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to take out a slim cigar from that case and smoke it in violation of the no-smoking rule,” says Mr. Yellow Shirt.

“This case doesn’t hold cigars,” Nadia says, smiling mysteriously.

Then she reaches once again into her briefcase and pulls out a large paperback book the size of a coloring book.

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In fact, it is a coloring book.

Nadia sips on her margarita and opens the brass case. Inside, 24 fresh, beautiful, unused colored pencils, smile enticingly at her.

She slowly strokes the cover of One Year Wiser: The Coloring Book: Unwind with Weekly Illustrated Meditations and opens it with her carefully manicured nails. Each nail is a different Crayola color.

As Nadia starts to color the Peace is Always Beautiful (Walt Whitman) illustration, Mr. Yellow Shirt breaks out into a wild laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone color at a bar before,” he says. “I’m Ben by the way. As an architect, I have to tell you I’m loving what you’re doing.”

Nadia smiles. “Would you like to color?” Ben finishes his sip of gin and tonic and says, “I’d love to.”

Nadia carefully tears out one of the illustrations and gives it to Ben and places the pencils between them. Her other neighbor, who has been watching the proceedings, asks if he can join the party.

In 20 minutes time, all of the men are coloring. No one is watching the baseball game on the muted television above the bar. No one is swiping on his phone. Every few minutes, one of the men shows Nadia his progress or asks about a color choice.

Nadia leans back, sips on her margarita, smiles and thinks to herself, “Now this is a good time. My very own almost 50 shades of grey, pink, blue,green….”

What’s your bizarre fantasy? Keep it only slightly naughty and send it to me.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating…and keep on coloring.

I was so excited I almost forgot our lunch!  In honor of Julia Child’s birthday today, while you’re thinking of your own fantasy, have some of Julia’s Bouillabaisse a la Marseillaise.

XXXOOO

Nadia