First Dating Rant of 2018

blog pix angry bird

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks calling out men who behave badly, rejecting men who are not for me, wondering whether I’m too picky or whether I’m not picky enough.  In other words, this has been a typical couple of weeks in the life of a sometimes-dating boomer. Then I read a survey that says women and men in their 60s are having the best sex of their lives. This is not uplifting when you don’t currently have a partner. To top it off, I keep getting Valentine’s Day ads and announcements.

Can you sense a rant coming on? Join me in a healthy five layer dip snack for the Super Bowl or any time while I detail examples of these annoyances.

#1 Men Behaving Badly

Remember Mr. Hot N’ Cold otherwise known as Mr. M? I cringe to admit he briefly resurfaced and I’m to blame for encouraging him albeit in a lukewarm way (love those temperature metaphors).

To bring you up to date, I discovered that the voicemails of people whose numbers you block live on in a blocked section of your voicemails. About a month ago, I listened to Mr. M’s last voicemail. It was nice and harmless enough and I decided that maybe he wasn’t a stalker just a poor texter. That doesn’t excuse other problems including his lack of follow through and long absences. I wasn’t about to reach out to Mr. M but filed away a less negative impression of him.

Then unexpectedly, Mr. M resurfaced on Zoosk, one of the sites we had communicated on. He “viewed” me, which is the real life equivalent of a flirting glance. I agonized about whether I should “view” him back but I was feeling a lack of male company and decided to cast my fate to the dating gods.

He responded by sending me a nice message through the site and asked if we could get together. I said I would think about it and let him know I was hesitant due to his previous communications and behavior. “I can understand that,” he wrote and asked if he could have a do-over. Later that day, I message him that we could have a drink sometime. This is when the leopard’s spots reappeared.

The evidence via messages:

January 4:

Nadia: Okay, we can meet for a drink some time.

January 6:

M: okay will look at my schedule to fit into  yours

Nadia: Okay (smiley face)

Friday, January 19:

Comment: Notice the time span. No response from Mr. M after 13 days. So I messaged him (I know what you’re thinking):

Nadia: Hi, Not sure if I misinterpreted your last message, but I thought you were going to suggest a day to meet. Anyway, thought I would check in to say that.

About 4:30 p.m. on January 19th:

M: I got back in town thursday. was overseas working. What are you doing this evening

January 19 (continued):

I didn’t see his message on the site and then he phoned me. I missed his call. He left a voicemail and I called him back 30 minutes later.

Again, note the timespan. I returned his call on Jan. 19. On Feb. 2, he sent me a message through Zoosk saying he’d been traveling for work, then had to attend an out of town funeral, and after that “things were on the move with work locally.”   “I will try and call you shortly,” he wrote.

“I don’t think that explains why you didn’t return my call of 2 weeks ago…you were in town then,” I replied. “It seems like you are playing a game, perhaps just being a breadcrumber – look up this dating term. It describes the way you have behaved with me.”

Epilogue: As expected, there was no response from Mr. M. This is finally the end of the Mr. Hot N’ Cold story unless it’s not.

#Rejecting Men who are Not for Me

Last month I went out with a very nice man, Mr. ZZ, despite the fact he had the same first and middle names as my ex. That was almost enough to put me off but I decided to go for it. Based on his photos, I was worried I wouldn’t be attracted to him. I thought, “Maybe I’m too picky” and agreed to meet for a happy hour.

We had a “pleasant” time, no conversation lapses but it started to feel a bit strained toward the end of the hour. There was not a whiff of chemistry on my part. He didn’t have the kind of male energy that I like.

I sensed Mr. ZZ liked me but I could tell he was shy and at the end of our date he shook my hand goodbye. He viewed me several times over the next few days but did not reach out for a second date. I think he was waiting for me to “view” him back but I didn’t want to encourage him. I vacillated a couple of times and thought maybe I should give it another go but ultimately let it fade away.

#Wondering whether I’m too Picky

See above encounter with Mr. ZZ.

#Wondering whether I’m not Picky Enough

I could cite any of a number of conversations with men whom I clearly have little in common with other than we are both breathing.

#People in their 60s are having the best sex

Send one of the men surveyed directly to me.

#Valentine’s Day Hype

I suggest an alternate “Galentines” Day for women to celebrate with friends.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

Facebook Stalking my Ex’s Girlfriend

blog woman at laptop 2

A couple of weeks ago, I made the mistake of Facebook stalking my ex’s current girlfriend (GF). I had not done this before and it was not premeditated. I was searching online for local music events and happened upon an upcoming performance by my ex- and his romantic partner. The duo’s title was their two last names. I had not known the GF’s last name and only accidentally learned of her first name when one of my children let it slip. So it was pretty easy to confirm that my ex’s band mate and GF are one in the same.

I’ll back up a bit to explain the situation. Join me in some warm fusilli salad while I fill you in. Although some divorced couples maintain communication, we don’t. Our children were adults when we divorced and now that all financial entanglements have been untangled, we have no “business” reason to communicate. And that’s fine with me. I’m just not feeling the desire to stay in touch.

Right after we divorced, I admit to some minor online stalking of my ex. I wanted to clarify the names of his bands to avoid attending a performance.

But after I had that intel, I had no further interest in e stalking. It was time to move on with my life. So it was a departure for me to snoop on his GF’s social media page.

More back story: this current GF is not the woman my ex took up with soon after we separated. She’s long gone. I was mildly curious about her replacement.

So when I popped open GF’S Facebook page, I saw that she was younger than my ex (and me) and blonde, like her predecessor. A cliché come to life. There are so many “experiential clichés” in life – e.g., middle-aged man buys a sports car.

The GF’s Facebook page had only a few photos and no pictures of my ex. A check of her “status” revealed she was “in a relationship” as of 2013. She didn’t name her significant other, but I knew it was my ex. And then I saw his complimentary comment about her latest photo.

I closed the page.

Here’s the funny part. If my ex came crawling back to me, I wouldn’t have him. Truth: I don’t want him. And yet, it hurts to see evidence of his relationship and how relatively easy it is (and has been) for him to find someone. This is a harsh reality of what I call dating disparity. In general, divorced men have an easier time finding a date, a companion, or a partner, than divorced women – especially in the boomer years. Challenge me on this but this has been my experience and what I have observed.

So when I’m in a dry spell and not meeting any men, when there are no possible relationships in my life, I think about dating disparity and my ex.

In contrast, when I’m dating and have lots of possibilities, there are few thoughts of either dating disparity or my ex.

I’m used to this cycle by now. Dating dry spells can lead to the blues and self-pity. But self-pity doesn’t offer any rewards. To counteract the blues, I learned that it helps to get busy, reach out to friends, do something new.

That’s why even though I knew in advance that opening the GF’s Facebook page might trigger some emotional shakiness; I also knew any blue notes would be brief. It’s called healing.

If you liked this post or any past ones, subscribe to get regular email delivery of Dating, Sex, and Life in your 60s.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

Niche Dating Sites: Nutty or Nice?

silhouette woman on laptop for blog

It’s time to shake things up a bit. I’m too impatient to just wait for the “one” so I like to try new dating avenues – whether online or in the wild – whenever I can.

Most singles have heard of niche dating sites. There’s a site or a mobile app for every interest and predilection. From cannabis lovers to those who are gluten free to self described ugly schmucks, there are lots to choose from.

My mission, should I decide to complete it, is to try 5 niche dating sites and to report back to you the results of my test drive. Your mission is to comment on my posts, join a couple of sites yourself, and let me know how it goes.

Having recently briefly dated a black man, I decided to start with ebonyandivorydating.com. Let’s discuss while we have some inclusive black bean salad and skillet white cornbread.

I have some white friends who fantasize about dating black men – fully believing that there is truth in the sexual prowess stereotypes rampant in popular culture. Dating black men has not been on my fantasy list – any more than dating men of any other ethnicity. But I’m open to it and find that I can be attracted to men from a wide range of ethnic backgrounds.

As a young white girl growing up in the 50’s in DC, I recall my first crush on David, an 8-year old black boy. We were great friends and I loved to spend time with him. We often walked home from school together and played at each other’s houses.

One afternoon after school, Agnes, my black babysitter, picked me up at David’s house. As we walked back to my house, she stopped and shook her finger at me. “You can’t play with him anymore,” she said. “You have to be careful about black boys. They’re not nice,” she warned. “David IS nice,” I replied in shock.

I felt I had done something wrong and I don’t recall why I never mentioned the conversation to my parents. But Agnes must have controlled my play dates because after that warning David and I only saw each other occasionally.

It was much later in life that I realized Agnes’ reason for curtailing the childhood friendship of a white girl and a black boy. From her perspective, black boys in relationships with white girls were at risk of serious trouble. As a history refresher, interracial marriage wasn’t legal in the U.S. (aside from specific states) until 1967.

Fast-forward to 2015 and my profile submission to ebonyivorydating.com. As a new member, I won a free 30-day “gold” membership, giving me all of the major necessary functions such as email, flirting, etc. I found it easy to sign up, load my profile and main photo, and fill out the “about me” and “about my match” questionnaire.

Beef #1: The geographic preference section does not function well. The site advises you to hold the shift key down to select multiple locations but that doesn’t work. I was unable to select DC, MD, and Virginia. Finally I chose distance from my zip code as my geographic parameter.

Beef #2: The site sends me matches from all over the US. Not my choice.

The site’s “flirt” game is solely based on a guy’s photos. You are shown a member’s photo and asked, “Do You Want to Flirt With This Member?”

Beef #3: You have to leave the flirt page and search for the man’s user name in order to read his profile. If you like him, then you can go back to the flirt page and say you’d like to flirt. Cumbersome!

I’m not sure yet what kind of “flirt” I will receive if a guy wants to flirt with me.

It’s been less than 24 hours since I signed up so it’s too early to judge the success of this site. However, by comparison, I received many more inquiries when I first signed up on Plenty of Fish, Match, and OK Cupid.

Perhaps this is related to number of subscribers. I’m not sure how many guys are actually on ebonyandivorydating.com. The site claims to have millions of users. Time will tell.

So far it appears that the racial balance on ebonyivorydating is similar to other non-niche sites. When I created my profile, I selected matches in all races.

My plan is to keep the all races preference for now and then to retool it to see what happens. It’s an adventure!

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

Resources:

Articles about niche dating sites:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/niche-dating-sites/

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/date-british-guys-farmers-only-growing-appeal-of-niche-dating-sites/

http://money.cnn.com/2015/02/13/technology/online-dating-that-actually-exists/

http://www.businessinsider.com/15-niche-dating-websites-2012-3