I Wish I’d Said or Written…

blog pix I wish I'd said

How many situations have you been in that called for a swift verbal kick to the other party’s butt but you were too stunned or tired to think of a retort?

Join me in some tasty and easy shrimp scampi while I stroll down a memory lane populated by bad first dates, bad dating profiles and profile photos, and bad dating email exchanges. Let’s feast upon the things I wish I’d said or written or even just flat out initiated based on the situation. Color me snarky.

When for the third time, an online match decided there was yet another deal breaker in our potential romance, I wish I’d written:

I’m looking for someone who looks for dealmakers…not breakers. Perhaps you should revise your profile to say no carpe diem.

When a first date put his phone on the table, face up, crossed his arms, and began a monologue about his boring job after reviewing his recent surgeries and other medical issues, I wish I’d said:

I can appreciate your enthusiasm for your job and the challenges posed by surgery, however, this conversation feels very one sided and I prefer to table discussions about health and medical issues until after a first meeting.

When a man wrote in the About me section of his profile, “Taller slender white female with athletic body” but left the About the one I’m looking for section blank, I wish I’d written:

If you’re a tall female, you really should change your photo to reflect that. Or perhaps you need to proofread your profile?

When I told a guy he was too far away to consider and he wrote:

August 10 10 24 pm I do travel

I wish I’d written: Say what? 

When I read a guy’s Tinder profile and it said:

sensitive parts August 10 10 15

I wish we had matched. I would have written:

I just had to say yes to such an intelligent and sensitive guy.

When I found another carefully written and edited profile:

August 4 8 21 God fearing lady

I wish I’d written: I can appreciate your religiosity, however, I’m looking for a typo fearing man rather than a God fearing lady.

When a man on Match wrote to me “Your tag name is interesting. Does it relate to the country,” I wish that, instead of ignoring him,

I’d written back to say: What country? My screen name is pretty self explanatory in terms of what it relates to. What did you like in my profile? 

When I browsed through a man’s profile photos and noticed all of them showed him with his arm around a woman, I wish I’d written:

If that’s your sister in three of your photos, you should say so.

When I read a guy’s profile and it stipulated he only wants to meet women 35 to 45, I wish I had written to him:

I see I’m too old for you based on your age preferences. However, I’m still 5 years younger than you.

When I found yet another profile of a soldier with a gun, I wish I’d written:

Is that an AK47 in your pix? Then, I’d insert a peace sign emoji.

When a man’s profile photo showed him shirtless in bathing trunks with scuba gear, one leg up in a pin-up pose (judge for yourself), I wish I’d referenced the glamour shot in my message. Oh wait, I did.

scuba glamour shot 2

scuba glamour shot response

Send me your recent retorts! Snarkiness loves company.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

 

The Dating Comedy Channel

Marx brothers

A man walks into a dating site… and describes himself as “very recently widowed.” When is this statement ever attractive? Particularly if the man is grinning in his main profile photo. When I see something like this, I put on my detective hat and wonder, “how did he do it?” Just saying.

Like the very recently widowed description, there’s a lot of comedy (often tragicomedy and absurdist) material in online dating. You don’t have to look too hard for it. It can be found in profiles, photos, and behavior. I’m always curious about the motivation and thought process of these inappropriate guys. Curiosity always makes me hungry so join me in a slice of blistered tomatoes and corn pizza while I share some tragic/comic examples from my dating files.

For instance, you’d think someone who was widowed would be careful about proofreading the word referring to his marital status. But that’s not always the case:

I am windowed

Sometimes one’s romantic dreams intersect with dentistry:

fillings of my heart

I have to laugh at this larger than life description of a self-described Viking and his ideal mate though I think he’s more of a caveman than a Viking:

Remember The Three Faces of Eve? Here we have the three faces of a man on Bumble:

God fearing man with personalities

I so need to know whether someone enjoys cabbage. It’s one of my top priorities:

Ton

Not funny but annoying as hell when a guy can’t come up with one specific thing they liked in your profile:

CNN News Junkie

Ahh, the strength of the male ego – particularly when it concerns sexual prowess. Perhaps there’s another reason a second encounter was not requested:

6'4

Tweet me your funny examples! I’m on Twitter (and Facebook) as @60sdating.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

May Rant about Dating

blog post angry face for may 7

 

I keep giving guys a break. Perhaps the sparkling wit absent from their written correspondence will manifest in a real life interaction. Maybe they will look better in person than they do in their profile photos. I’m sure the 1-hour geographic distance will be inconsequential if we have chemistry.

Why do I force these issues? I don’t want to be so picky that I never find anyone. I do, however, refuse to compromise on what’s really important to me in a partner…so I only suffer illusions or delusions for a limited timeframe.

There are some guys that don’t deserve even a short break. Lately I’ve been feeling generally annoyed at bad or inappropriate profiles and photos. Swipe with me, click on profiles with me, and you’ll see what I mean. Fuel up first on some baked red snapper.

Examples from my dating files:

The word-less profile:

*A picture of an armed soldier sandwiched between two photos of a guitar-filled wall

*A “shadow” photo – literally a picture of someone’s shadow.

Sapiosexual ad nauseum:

May 7 blog sapiosexual

Mocking education and career:

*Graduated from University of Hard Knocks

*Works at: Director of Everything

Consider joining a religion-focused dating site: 

“I am a man with a fear of God….All I want in a woman is someone….who…has a fear of God too.”

God's Hands

 

Photo misses:

*Ten photos- nine of them are of a woman

*Bondage toys

Silly for silly’s sake:

 

May 7 blog silly 

 

 

 Fetish friendly

May 7 blog fetish

A man with a farm or wild animal 

*Cuddling with a tiger, rubbing noses with a llama (love animals just not these pictures)

LinkedIn not

*His profile reads like a resume or a biography by a historian and sometimes so does his first message:

May 7 blog linkedin 1

Profile example:May 7 blog linkedin 2

Extra credit for cleanliness and good housekeeping

May 7 blog cleanliness

So many more examples…Sigh. Okay, end of rant.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

Sunsetting the Walk of Shame

blog walk of shame pix

Union Station, June 10: I had just settled into my seat in the quiet car on the train from DC to NY when I saw a young woman in her early 20s board. No luggage. She wore a cream-colored spaghetti-strapped summer dress and a pink shawl. The weather was somewhat chilly that Friday morning and the sky was overcast but the previous night had been warm and summery. I thought, “Here’s a woman whose walk of shame is courtesy of Amtrak’s regional.”

No one paid any attention to her but then people on the quiet car are often typing on their laptops, reading, or sleeping. She got off a short time later in Baltimore. I was curious about her story. First date? Did she intend to be out all night or did the evening unfold in an unexpected way.

Then I wondered about the origins of “walk of shame” and how – and why – the term is only associated with women. Certainly those who walk in “shame” were with men the previous night. Have some grilled halibut nicoise with vegetables while I share some history.

As always, when curious, consult Google. Ms. Google identified an informative article in Business Insider that describes the origins of the term. In medieval France, adulterers were punished by roping the couple together naked and forcing them to walk through town. According to the medieval expert who wrote the article, sometimes villagers beat them with clubs. Trumpeters led the way to make certain the townspeople saw them. If the man escaped either before or after his arrest, he avoided the public humiliation but the woman was still paraded, without clothes, through town. The woman did not have this escape clause option.

I have never done a walk of shame but then I don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed of. And yet, that was the term that came to mind when I saw the “girl” on the train (with apologies to Paula Hawkins).

It’s hard to change long-held language associations even when attitudes have changed. Unfortunately some people are still stuck in the dark ages.   As President Obama said last Tuesday, ““We need to change the attitude that punishes women for their sexuality but gives men a pat on the back for theirs.”

If turnabout is fair play, I think I will punish or at least slap the wrists of a few men for their shameful (for various reasons) dating profiles. These men should be doing that walk. You know I like to leave you with a bit of humor.

Didn’t I know this guy in middle school?

blog post june 19 #1

The next one is subtler. Note the two sentences after he mentions the Poconos.

blog post june 19 #2

Lists can be helpful but it’s important to know when to stop:

blog post june 19 #3

Here’s looking at you kid – right through that window.

blog post june 19 #4

Until next week, happy dating or not dating – and without shame!

XXXOOO

Nadia

How to Handle the Top 11 Dating Types

blog woman typing computer

Have your single friends ever sighed, downed that last sip of wine, and asked in frustration, “Where are all the God-Fearing men?” Unlikely? I can tell you these men are camped out by my dating profile, in line behind all the other distinctive online dating types. (Side note: I may be easing off the online dating life but I haven’t given this tactic up.)

It may be related to my current jaded perspective but within 5 seconds I can easily characterize a prospective love interest’s “type.” It’s not genomics science. Will you join me in some potato pizza with kale pesto while I share my guide to online dating types and suggested approaches for handling them? These men are scarily similar to real life dating types.

Mr. Hot ‘n Cold

Mr. Hot ‘n Cold can’t seem to decide whether he wants to date. One date never progresses to two. And yet, he keeps viewing you. Or Mr. HNC may have reached out to say he likes you but “you live too far away to date.” Despite this, he keeps looking at your profile. Approach: Ignore.

The Perfect Man

Ivy League Schools. World Traveler. Trophied athlete. Hobnobs with celebrities. Charity events. Grade A physique. Too perfect to be real. You guessed it. Scammer. Approach: If you have proof of scamming/catfishing – report and block.

Short Man in Vegas

These men are half or all the way across the country and do not match you on anything. They write a sweet note and comment appropriately on your profile but there’s no hope of a future here. Approach: Write a nice email saying thanks but no thanks.

OMG: The God-Fearing Man

Nothing in your profile screams religion is an overriding force in your life and yet you may attract men who call themselves God-Fearing, are searching for eternal love, and list the Bible first on a list of things they can’t do without. Perhaps you are just “blessed” with a devout smile. Approach: Ignore.

The Eliterit Eeleterate Illiterate Man

He means well but if your inner editor surfaces every time he writes or says something, this is not the guy for you. Approach: Ignore. 

The Hot Rodding Fisherman

Ten photos, 5 of his 1968 Plymouth Road Runner with 426 Street hemi, 5 of him holding a prize Marlin, and one blurry main photo of 6 guys. Approach: Respond if you like cars and fish; ask for another picture.

Baby Bear

He’s two scores younger, confident, and hunky. His philosophy: age is not a barrier. Approach: with caution; consider his older brother.

The Depressed Loner

His screen name is Lonelyboy911, he’s shy, and he hasn’t dated in 10 years. Home is a small rural town. Approach: Be kind and thank him for his note but move on.

The Player

He’s always online, lets you know right away that sex is very important to him, and even specifies his fetishes. Approach: Avoid, avoid, avoid.

The Picky Man

His profile is 90% about his bad dating experiences, what he doesn’t want, and a list of attributes/interests that are essential to him. Approach: Delete and block.

The Questioner

This one can’t wait to ask how long you have been on a particular dating site. It’s often his first or second question, which is followed by, what has been your experience with dating online, and are you having any luck? Is he worried you are past your shelf life? Or is he suffering from a lack of imagination and these are the only questions he can come up with? Approach: Call him on it. Ask why he is interested in your dating memberships and point out that the important point is that you are online now.

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Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

 

 

A Week in the Outer Limits

universe for blog

I spent the last week reading strange dating profiles and emails from strange men, wondering if there are any age-appropriate educated, nice, single guys out there. The dry spell continues. I guess this is my fault since I could be enjoying a tickling session with a married man or chivalry and fantastic orgasms with a transient convention goer, or even a ménage a trois with an attractive couple in their 40s.

I don’t have a sense of shock anymore.   The dating life for a woman in her 60s is a lot like encounters with aliens in The Outer Limits. Who are these creatures writing to me? I have become almost blasé about the variety of male idiosyncrasies.

At the same time, I no longer have adrenalin surges when I match with a guy, when a guy I “like” also “likes” me, or when a guy winks at or favorites me. Why? For some reason, none of these indications of interest mean that the fellow in question will take action. I don’t know whether the winks and flirtations are a game or the way unavailable men show appreciation.

Since picking my “matches” from the DC metro area is not working and because I am tired of this dry spell, I expanded my geographic search on the dating sites and apps. Now I can choose from the uneducated, strange, and short ones several hundred miles away.

Do you detect a hint of sarcasm, frustration, and anger? Yes.

To fully appreciate my week, read the following evidence while having a lovely meal of pappardelle with mushrooms:

From a married ticklish guy who wrote me to tell me I was not nice when I didn’t respond to his lunch invitation:

ticklish trying again with edits

From a man who offers a 72 hour special:

 

Image 1

From Ménage à Trois R Them (accompanied by a NSFW or this blog photo of 3 sets of intertwined legs):

Married couple rotated

From an out of shape emotional mess who still wants some fun:

emotionally crippled for blog

From a man who needs a class in personal marketing:

I'm too ugly for blog copy 

And that, dear readers, is a snapshot of my week in the Outer Limits. Send your comments! Most of all send your sympathy. And if you know any single guys, send them my way. It couldn’t be any more of a shot in the dark than online dating.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

 

Online Dating: Epic Fails, Firsts, and Freaks

blog woman with phone

Despite the recent wet and snowy weather, I’m in another dating dry spell. Oh, yes, there was my date in late January with the younger man who kissed like a steamroller (and that’s putting it nicely). Since that epic fail, my dating life has consisted of:

*Endless and slow-paced Tinder messaging (Hi, Hi, How are you? Good, How are you? I’m good, what are you doing? ad nauseum) that doesn’t result in an actual meeting

*Deleting emails from strange guys, and

*Falling on the floor in uncontrollable laughter at some of the profiles in my match list.

So, join me in a super sweet potato chickpea Buddha bowl while I share some of the epic fails, firsts, and freaks from my dating files.

Profile of a man who believes that size does not affect spirituality:

pix 1 blog

Profile of a man on Tinder who believes a curriculum vitae is better than any pick-up line. Certainly a man who has strategic planning ability is a major turn-on for me.  

blog pix 2

Profile of a man who is unsure of his availability…perhaps…maybe:

blog pix 3

Profile of a man who knows just what to write to appeal to a woman:

I am separated and live alone with my cat.

Profile of a man who is so popular that he has to weed out some of his thousands of prospects:

I apologize but: Due to the volume of messages. If you are bigger than a size 18, not only will I not read your messages but I will delete them and block you as soon as possible.

Message from a man who apparently wrote to me and I failed to respond (perhaps due to his extreme geographic incompatibility):

blox pix 4

Profile of a man of uncommon height:

pix 5

Message from a meteorologically sensitive guy:

pix 6

No comment:

pix7

Profile of a man seeking his clone:

pix 8

Message from a confused, scary man who thinks my name is Phoebe and who is likely as nutty as the weirdos he disparages:

pix 10.png

Profile of a man who travels almost 2/3 of the year…but hey, when you see him, you see ALL of him…

pix 11

Profile of a “man” who stole a woman’s profile (read to the end)…and not a great profile:

lipstick

Message from a man who can discern texture through photography:

soft feet

Message from a 20-year-old who might be 40+ years too young:

better pix from 20 year old

Send me your dating fails! And don’t forget to subscribe to this blog. Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia