Continuing Resolutions (not the Congressional kind)

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Happy New Year, my single and not single friends. We’re almost through the holidays, a time that can be stressful for those without a partner.

Piled on top of singleness are the tiresome 2017 wrap-up news stories and the guides to making New Year’s resolutions that stick. I’m pretty sick of these.

Let’s talk about a different approach while indulging in baked macaroni and cheese with crunchy panko topping.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. However I do make resolutions on an ongoing basis throughout the year. Reflecting on my life and how to make it better is something I do whenever I’m feeling a surge of dissatisfaction with the status quo and an energy boost to do something about it. That might happen after a break-up.

Breakups, particularly, when you are angry, can be good for motivating you to do things. I always exercise more intently when I need to get my angries out.

I also make resolutions when I’m in a rut and need more and new people or activities in my life. I’ve lived through some lonely times and they inevitably drove me to sign up for classes or activities that would expand my social life.

I’m mulling over some next steps right now – but nothing I’m going to announce tomorrow on New Year’s Day. There are classes to think about, new meet-ups to attend, trips to plan, and solo field trips that might trigger a meet-cute.

In the meantime, I recall someone (Ralph Waldo Emerson? T.S. Eliot?) said it is the journey not the destination that counts.

I believe that philosophy and it supports a practice of ongoing resolutions. So, I raise a glass of champagne (or asti spumante, prosecco, or cava) to you, my readers: let’s be our best selves in 2018 and embrace resolutions whenever we need them. It’s a good way to keep hope.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia

Get your Angries Out

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Have you gotten your angries out? If you’re divorced, widowed, or single following the break-up of a serious relationship, you know what I mean. Whether you were the “dumpee,” the one left behind, or the instigator dumper, there’s bound to be some anger floating around your universe.

I went through an angry phase after my separation. This followed a phase of disbelief, which in turn was preceded by a coma-like period. Got that? Coma – disbelief – anger.

Perhaps you have experienced a marital coma state. In my case, it consisted of several years of slow disengagement from my then husband. When you’re in a coma, you know something is not right but you don’t want to face it, so you ignore it.

When I finally woke up from my coma thanks to a crucial conversation, disbelief set in. After a long marriage, it is indeed hard to believe that it is over. But once you do, it’s time for some healthy anger. Chow down on some angry shrimp as we talk about this emotion.

So once it was clear that I was going to be in a for a long, complicated and painful divorce process, there were lots of triggers for “the angries.”

Let’s run through a list of angry triggers that may resonate with you: the reason for the divorce, the lack of or ineffective attempt at reconciliation, the impact on your family, the impact on your self esteem, the impact on your finances, the actual divorce settlement, etc, etc., etc.

The purpose of this post is not to wallow in anger. It’s to lobby for the benefits of accepting the anger, embracing it while it lasts, and working through it so that you can dismiss it. It’s all part of the healing process.

So back to the end of disbelief. That’s when I started to channel The Incredible Hulk on a periodic basis. I’d be going along, coping, getting the business of healing done and then bam, out of the blue, something would happen to trigger a burst of anger, fortunately without the ripping of clothes and transformation to a green monster.

I remember one instance in particular. I was working out on the elliptical at home, listening to a Pandora station when You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette came on. I hadn’t been feeling angry but listening to the raw anger of the lyrics (what a perfect break-up song), brought out my own hostile thoughts.

I started to fantasize about a graphic revenge scenario. Think Kill Bill. This was not the kind of thing I typically imagined. As I stepped furiously on the machine, my own personal revenge movie streamed on my consciousness. I increased the volume of the song to fully experience it. When it was over, I was exhausted but somehow I had worked through the anger by working out and hearing another woman’s wrathful tale.

The next time I wanted to exercise, I downloaded You Oughta Know and had a 4-minute angry therapy workout. This plan served me well during the divorce process.

As time went on, bursts of anger got shorter and less frequent. Now, after 6 years of healing, I rarely experience the angries.

If you are newly separated, divorced, or widowed or just never got your angries out, seek out some home-brewed anger therapy. Find your favorite revenge song, strap on those sneakers, and work through that anger.

You’ll feel better, help mend your broken heart and strengthen it at the same time.

Until next week, happy dating or not dating.

XXXOOO

Nadia