How many situations have you been in that called for a swift verbal kick to the other party’s butt but you were too stunned or tired to think of a retort?
Join me in some tasty and easy shrimp scampi while I stroll down a memory lane populated by bad first dates, bad dating profiles and profile photos, and bad dating email exchanges. Let’s feast upon the things I wish I’d said or written or even just flat out initiated based on the situation. Color me snarky.
When for the third time, an online match decided there was yet another deal breaker in our potential romance, I wish I’d written:
I’m looking for someone who looks for dealmakers…not breakers. Perhaps you should revise your profile to say no carpe diem.
When a first date put his phone on the table, face up, crossed his arms, and began a monologue about his boring job after reviewing his recent surgeries and other medical issues, I wish I’d said:
I can appreciate your enthusiasm for your job and the challenges posed by surgery, however, this conversation feels very one sided and I prefer to table discussions about health and medical issues until after a first meeting.
When a man wrote in the About me section of his profile, “Taller slender white female with athletic body” but left the About the one I’m looking for section blank, I wish I’d written:
If you’re a tall female, you really should change your photo to reflect that. Or perhaps you need to proofread your profile?
When I told a guy he was too far away to consider and he wrote:
I wish I’d written: Say what?
When I read a guy’s Tinder profile and it said:
I wish we had matched. I would have written:
I just had to say yes to such an intelligent and sensitive guy.
When I found another carefully written and edited profile:
I wish I’d written: I can appreciate your religiosity, however, I’m looking for a typo fearing man rather than a God fearing lady.
When a man on Match wrote to me “Your tag name is interesting. Does it relate to the country,” I wish that, instead of ignoring him,
I’d written back to say: What country? My screen name is pretty self explanatory in terms of what it relates to. What did you like in my profile?
When I browsed through a man’s profile photos and noticed all of them showed him with his arm around a woman, I wish I’d written:
If that’s your sister in three of your photos, you should say so.
When I read a guy’s profile and it stipulated he only wants to meet women 35 to 45, I wish I had written to him:
I see I’m too old for you based on your age preferences. However, I’m still 5 years younger than you.
When I found yet another profile of a soldier with a gun, I wish I’d written:
Is that an AK47 in your pix? Then, I’d insert a peace sign emoji.
When a man’s profile photo showed him shirtless in bathing trunks with scuba gear, one leg up in a pin-up pose (judge for yourself), I wish I’d referenced the glamour shot in my message. Oh wait, I did.
Send me your recent retorts! Snarkiness loves company.
Until next week, happy dating or not dating.