How to Handle the Top 11 Dating Types

blog woman typing computer

Have your single friends ever sighed, downed that last sip of wine, and asked in frustration, “Where are all the God-Fearing men?” Unlikely? I can tell you these men are camped out by my dating profile, in line behind all the other distinctive online dating types. (Side note: I may be easing off the online dating life but I haven’t given this tactic up.)

It may be related to my current jaded perspective but within 5 seconds I can easily characterize a prospective love interest’s “type.” It’s not genomics science. Will you join me in some potato pizza with kale pesto while I share my guide to online dating types and suggested approaches for handling them? These men are scarily similar to real life dating types.

Mr. Hot ‘n Cold

Mr. Hot ‘n Cold can’t seem to decide whether he wants to date. One date never progresses to two. And yet, he keeps viewing you. Or Mr. HNC may have reached out to say he likes you but “you live too far away to date.” Despite this, he keeps looking at your profile. Approach: Ignore.

The Perfect Man

Ivy League Schools. World Traveler. Trophied athlete. Hobnobs with celebrities. Charity events. Grade A physique. Too perfect to be real. You guessed it. Scammer. Approach: If you have proof of scamming/catfishing – report and block.

Short Man in Vegas

These men are half or all the way across the country and do not match you on anything. They write a sweet note and comment appropriately on your profile but there’s no hope of a future here. Approach: Write a nice email saying thanks but no thanks.

OMG: The God-Fearing Man

Nothing in your profile screams religion is an overriding force in your life and yet you may attract men who call themselves God-Fearing, are searching for eternal love, and list the Bible first on a list of things they can’t do without. Perhaps you are just “blessed” with a devout smile. Approach: Ignore.

The Eliterit Eeleterate Illiterate Man

He means well but if your inner editor surfaces every time he writes or says something, this is not the guy for you. Approach: Ignore. 

The Hot Rodding Fisherman

Ten photos, 5 of his 1968 Plymouth Road Runner with 426 Street hemi, 5 of him holding a prize Marlin, and one blurry main photo of 6 guys. Approach: Respond if you like cars and fish; ask for another picture.

Baby Bear

He’s two scores younger, confident, and hunky. His philosophy: age is not a barrier. Approach: with caution; consider his older brother.

The Depressed Loner

His screen name is Lonelyboy911, he’s shy, and he hasn’t dated in 10 years. Home is a small rural town. Approach: Be kind and thank him for his note but move on.

The Player

He’s always online, lets you know right away that sex is very important to him, and even specifies his fetishes. Approach: Avoid, avoid, avoid.

The Picky Man

His profile is 90% about his bad dating experiences, what he doesn’t want, and a list of attributes/interests that are essential to him. Approach: Delete and block.

The Questioner

This one can’t wait to ask how long you have been on a particular dating site. It’s often his first or second question, which is followed by, what has been your experience with dating online, and are you having any luck? Is he worried you are past your shelf life? Or is he suffering from a lack of imagination and these are the only questions he can come up with? Approach: Call him on it. Ask why he is interested in your dating memberships and point out that the important point is that you are online now.

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Until next week, happy dating or not dating.






6 thoughts on “How to Handle the Top 11 Dating Types

  1. Great line-up but I think you missed one favorite of mine: The Lovesick Teenage Puppy. This is a man in his 50’s or 60’s (since I don’t usually read profiles of younger men) whose sole focus is on seeking Love. He sends messages that compliment a woman’s Beauty (“Hello, Pretty” for example, which sounds disturbingly like “Hello, Kitty) or says what a Beautiful Woman you are and proceeds to recount the many ways he is a perfect match for someone so Beautiful: he likes to give tender caresses, back rubs and likes to spend time in front of a fire, lounging on the couch with his Sweetheart over a fine dinner and glasses of wine. He loves the outdoors, the beach, the mountains and wants nothing more in life than to find his Soul Mate who will be faithful, feminine and respectful.

    Sometimes he sneaks in a comment about his Lady not cheating, lying or being disloyal which is the tip-off that this is really an Angry Man who has been Wronged, has not forgiven the culprit damsel and wants some kind of insurance policy that nothing like this will ever happen again. This is where you come in, Beautiful Woman.

    As you scroll down the sections of his profile, which for some reason you do although the initial message and first paragraph say more or less the same things about seeking True Love, you find that the entire profile — including (on Ok Cupid) sections on “What I’m Doing With My Life” and “Things I Can’t Live Without,” etc. are all the same, all about the search for this Special Someone who will be the center of his life. It appears he does not have and has never had a job, interests, friends, or hobbies, he has no personality and no past (other than the Broken Heart caused by You-Know-Who-Probably-Ex-Wife-Who-Prevailed-in-the-Divorce-Settlement-Plus-Past-Girlfriends-Who-Also-For-No-Good-Reason-Hurt-Him-Terribly-In-Ways-That-Can-Never-Be-Forgiven).

    I don’t know if these Lovesick Puppies are for real or if they are scammers who prey upon what they assume to be Gullible, Lonely, Single Women of a Certain Age who they assume have no interests in life other than finding a mate who will glue himself to her side for eternity. I used to answer these pleas, these plaintive testimonials to my Surpassing Beauty, but I don’t bother anymore. Any answer I might provide would only confirm that I too am just another one of those Heartless B’s who doesn’t appreciate a man who wants to give her nothing but Love.



    1. Thanks! I totally forgot about the Lovesick Puppy. Great description and I have encountered him as well. I may need a part two of this post to capture the other types. Readers, send in your suggestions!


    1. Good point. Scammers come in so many flavors these days. A very clever one contacted me on Coffee Meets Bagel yesterday. A Google image search of one of his secondary photos revealed he was using the photos of a Lebanese pop star!

      Liked by 1 person

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